The thing about fear

I was devastated to read about Becky and Derreck whose beautiful rainbow baby girl, Evelynn, died last week. I am so heartbroken for them – there are no words. I am new to Becky’s blog and so this morning I skimmed through some of Becky’s earliest blogposts. There in black and white she wrote of her fear of uterine rupture in a subsequent pregnancy – she ended up having a caesarean after baby Liam’s surgery and uterine rupture is one of the risk factors associated with a prior caesarean. Her doctor urged her to wait at least six months before trying again after Liam – I’m paraphrasing, but according to Becky her doctor basically said that following 6 months of healing the risk of uterine rupture was practically zero, and that this risk would be further reduced because they would be sure to schedule a caesarean well in advance of her due date. It was approximately eight months after Liam passed that Evelynn was conceived. And, mere days before a scheduled caesarean at 37 weeks, Becky’s uterus ruptured and Evelynn was born brain-damaged. They had no choice but to take her off life-support.

The complete cruelty and randomness of it all makes me so very ANGRY!  They did EVERYTHING right: Becky is the epitome of good health, they heeded their doctor’s advice and, most importantly, they dared once again to dream and to hope and to have faith. Now this? It is inexplicably unfair and unjust.

And so, the thing about fear is that it just doesn’t matter how many stories one hears about things going well. A single horrific event is enough to cause the fear monster to rally. In my last post I was marginally hopeful. Right now, I'm not.