Since Grace died, no month has been a good month. But April has been especially difficult. Thusfar, four colleagues have each lost a parent (three fathers, one mother), a friend lost her father, and another colleague committed suicide. Death and suffering surrounds me. The thing is, although I am so sorry for all of these losses, I can’t help but think that at least these people who have passed lived. Some better than others. Each with their own trials and tribulations to endure. But they lived, for better or for worse. It makes me very sad that Grace never got that chance. The world lost out on her. And she lost out on the world.
I struggled for a long time (before Grace was conceived even) with the idea of bringing a child into the world only to have them go through the pain of losing the ones they love. I thought I had dealt with this when we threw caution to the wind and Grace was conceived. But then she died and all those negative thoughts came flooding back - the ultimate blame game. If we hadn’t made her, then she couldn’t have died. But if we hadn’t made her, then we would never have loved her. The latter is just so much worse.
And so sweet Gracie Face, as the five-month anniversary of your passing looms on the horizon, I want you to know that we love and miss you so much. There will always be a part of us that continues to wait for you to come home. We will never forget you, and will always wish that you were here. But, with your blessing, we are hoping to become hopeful again. Hopeful that we will bring your sister or brother into the world and that they will live, love and be loved and fully experience all the world has to offer.